And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
