the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
