think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
