$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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