I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
ttyl tear gas
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
