Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
