We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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