I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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