hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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