Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
