Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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