you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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