3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I need to stop coming to work sober
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
