legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
