Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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