I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face