so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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