I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
