He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
