What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
