If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
