My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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