dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
