Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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