He uses pillows to masturbate.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead