dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself