She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
