Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
