after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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