I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
