walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
