On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
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My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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