what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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