two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
