you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
