her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
