I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
