I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
