Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
