do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
