I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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