Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
