i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
