so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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