My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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