Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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