At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
