Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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