Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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