I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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