if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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