party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
