Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
