I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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