I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
