I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think I won the penis lottery.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
