you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Michael Bay diarrhea
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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