literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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