That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
