Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
sarcasm needs its own font
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
