I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
