In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
