I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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